Redirecting

I recently realized something. I am happy with who I am. With my body. With me. No, I am most certainly not perfect. Obviously. There will always be room for improvement physically. But for right now, in this time of my life, I am content.

This is not me "giving up" on my goal or anything like that. This is me finally realizing that I am more than what I look like. That I don't want to be on a "weight loss journey," but simply, a life-living journey. If that makes any sense at all. Because life itself is a journey. And I want to live my life to the most ultimate full that I possibly can. Without having to worry about or wonder what meal is coming next. What I'm going to eat or not eat, and how that will affect the way I feel about myself. Or how much exercise I must force upon myself so that I don't feel guilty for eating. Because it's just. not. fun. Not really. And I ask myself, how is losing weight benefitting anyone else but me? It's not. So why am I doing this to myself. I don't want to do things that only benefit me. How selfish. I don't want to be selfish. No way.

I've bought into the idea, along with most women, that I need to look a certain way to be beautiful. When truly, beauty is who you are. Beauty is your inner light. Your inner joy. Beauty is the personification of love. Beauty is loving others the way that Jesus loved. Loving from the depths of His heart and completely unconditionally.

So I have decided to remove my focus from fixing up my outward self and redirect it towards my inner self. I want my life to be important. I want to live my life full of meaningful purpose. I want to fix all of the ugly, disgusting sins that plague my heart and I want to transform my life. Really and truly. The only way that I know how to do that is through Jesus and His obvious demonstration of love for us all.

Romans 5:8 NIV
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Fathers: Day 47

Happy Uno de Mayo! Haha.

Okay. So the other night I has a crazy dream. Very weird because I haven't had any dreams in quite as while. Which is weird because I am a dreamer. I usually have dreams every night. Vivid dreams that I fully remember when I wake up. But for some reason, I haven't had any lately. Until the other night that is. It took place on Halloween and there were horror/thriller-movie-like things happening, that I saw but wasn't necessarily apart of. It was at a parade. I saw it happen. It being the horror, whatever it was (I forget exactly what it was now.) And I ran away scared. He came running after me, and put his arm around me to see if I was okay. To check on me. Because he had seen me. Because he cared. I hugged him, my fear dissipating. I don't remember everything or anything else other than the feeling that someone was there for me. Someone cared. And you know, sometimes that's all you need. Someone who will be there for you. Who knows how to make you feel better when you're down. Someone to hold you. Safe. Love.

As you may or may not know, my parents are getting a divorce. Part of the process involves making sure the children will be alright (or as alright as they can be.) Tonight my mom, dad, and two younger sisters went to some thing called Kids First where they watched a video ? talked ? or something like that. My people here are sleeping as I type away. I was at church tonight and just got home as I began this post. So because of their sleeping state, I do not know the details of what went down. Hence the scattered question marks. I don't know how I feel about not being there. One one hand, I sooo did not want to go. It didn't sound fun to me. And I wasn't asked to attend. On the other hand, I wonder if it would have benefitted me or my family if I had gone. Who knows? Not me. I don't even know what happened. And to tell you the truth, I haven't spoken to my dad in a while. Not since he hung up on me as I was crying my feelings to him about things he obviously did not want to hear. And I am not sure if I am ready to talk to him. Or see him. idon'tknowidon'tknowidon'tknow. But whatever the case I wasn't there. Crazily enough, tonight's topic for Women's Midweek (church,) was on Roles. We watched a video from the 33 Series. Which is a journey to authentic manhood as modeled by Jesus in His 33 years on earth. I'll put a trailer down below so you can see what the series is about. The men in our church have been studying it out, so tonight we got to see a little bit of it through a video. I would put that video here, but I can't find it on the internet. Bummer. It was really good. It talked about the different things throughout history, that has shaped men of today. After watching it, we went on to talk a little bit about fatherlessness. Brief points were shared from the book Faltherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem by David Blankenhorn. "The most important absence our society must confront is not the absence of fathers, but the absence of our belief in fathers." That hit me right there. It made me think how powerful hurt can be. How hurt can cause the hardening of hearts. How we can put up a wall. Block ourselves in. Safe. You can't touch me. So you can't hurt me. And believing that it's okay, that I'm okay. When I may not be. Absence of the belief in fathers. That they don't matter. When they completely do. A good father, who is there to teach his children, who is there for his children, is so important. And the absence of him (or the un-goodness of him) can be detrimental to a child, that may cause problems unforeseen down the road. That's why I have such strong feelings on the importance of a God-loving man for a husband. Love God. Love me. Love our kids. And act accordingly. I want that. I do. I know how important a good father is for his children. And I sincerely want that for my children. It's one of my dreams. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my dad. I do. Even through all of the bad stuff. It just gets hard sometimes. Life, you know. But I will always love him. He's my dad. And even though I haven't spoken to him in a while, I still have the desire to strengthen my relationship with him. Someday.

Well that's all that I have for now. I could go on and on. I have a raging wave of thoughts on many matters, rushing around in my head right now, but I am going to stop. But I'll be back soon. Tomorrow.  But tonight, I need me some sleep. Too many thoughts often hurts my head. Goodnight!

Food Intake

Lucky Charms and Milk

Cheese and Crackers

Water

Oranges

Chicken and Rice

Pizza

Water

Panda Express Plate

Mini Nutter Butters

Exercise

None

Veggies! There Miss Gayle, I ate my veggies. :)

My Future...???

So basically, I have been having loads of thoughts lately. About my life. About my dreams. About my future. Things I want to do. Things I want to accomplish. Who I want to be. As you know, (due to the fact that I have said it time and time again) I want to be a mom. But that is not happening in my near future. So until I reach that point in my life - where I meet the man of my dreams who I am will spend the rest of my life with, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after - I need to live my single, adult life to the fullest. Which at times can be a little frustrating and confusing.

These are a few things about me. General points I'd like to address that I hope to use in my future life path.

1. I love creating. I love drawing, photography, recording videos, scrapbooking, editing (pictures, videos, scrapbooks, etc,) writing, baking, cooking, dancing, singing, guitar playing, writing songs, blogging (if that counts as creating,) making websites, and the list goes on.
2. I love loving. And I wish that everyone did to. And showed it. To everyone. I have a passion against bullying of any kind. When I hear stories about anyone getting bullied, my heart goes out to them. I instantly wish I could stop it. I wish that I could do something to make a difference. Be the change. Make people understand that it's not right. It's never okay to be cruel and treat people that way. No matter what. It hurts. I know first hand how much it hurts. And I want to do something about it. Not just talk about wanting to do something. But actually do something. But I don't exactly know how to go about that.
3. I want to help people. Truly help people. Be involved in the betterment of individual lives. I want to serve others. I want to give to those who have nothing. I want to make others happy. Hug them. Make them smile. Be a light.
4. I want to incorporate the truth. The word of God. His love. In whatever way that I can. In whatever way possible.
5. I want to love what I do. And while I know that many people hate their jobs, and get stuck doing it day in and day out just for the money, or whatever other reasons, I don't want that to be me. I want to be excited to be doing what I am doing. Because I know that it is possible. Because I am currently doing just that. And have been since I graduated high school.

So if there is anyone out there who can help me figure out how to go about using these points to understand what I want to do and how to do it, please feel free to leave it in the comment section below.

I thought I'd list a few qualities of mine that often causes me to fail. Knowing and admitting your faults is the first step to recovery as they say.

1. I can be easily distracted and forget my focus.
2. I procrastinate.
3. I am a perfectionist with mild, undiagnosed OCD.
4. I tend to be self-depreciating and often think I'm not (and never will be) "good enough."
5. I am unsure. Of myself. Of what I think. Of what I want.

I will try to work on these. Now that I have confessed them, I can change, right?

While we are making list after list, I figured, one more couldn't hurt. Here is a list of some things I want to do in my lifetime.

1. Visit a third world country and serve the needy.
2. Help at least one person to realize how special and amazing they are.
3. Teach others about God's love.
4. Travel and experience foreign cultures. [I will make it to Paris and London one day.]
5. Have children of my own.

My current desktop background.

A nice daily reminder of my dreams.

:)

Well, I hope your life is more decisive and focused than mine! Have a great day and thanks for stopping by!