I'm Ready!

It's funny. I feel like I've been trying and failing, trying and failing, trying and failing. At getting back to how I was. In August 2011 I decided that enough was enough. I was tired of being overweight. I was tired of hating the way I looked. The way I felt. I was tired of complaining and not doing anything to change. So Phylicia and I decided that it was time to do it. Lose the weight we wanted to lose. So she created this "contract." A contract that laid out the rules and terms for our weight loss competition with one another. I doing weight watchers. She following Naturally Thin/Skinnygirl book. John Hancock. Signed. Done. I signed up for Weight Watchers Online on August 2, 2011. It was a Tuesday. I kept to my targeted food points. I went to the gym basically everyday. In three months I lost about 45 pounds. I maintained through the holiday season. And on March 2, 2012, I reached my goal weight. I honestly could. not. believe. that I had done it. I was happy. But at the same time, I knew that I still wanted to lose a lot more. Get fit. I set a new goal weight and tried to continue on the path to a better me. But I lost myself along the way. Somehow I just stopped trying. I couldn't get myself to keep track of my points. Mind you, I was still working out. But as most of you know, it doesn't matter how much you work out if you are eating badly or too much.

I moved back to Hawaii late October 2012. Just living. Not focusing on what I was putting in, or exerting out. And although I haven't weighed myself, I can see it. My belly is slowly but surely coming back. My jeans don't fit as nicely as they used to. And I hate it. I hate that I am doing this to myself. No one is shoving the food down my throat. I am doing this all by myself. But I don't want to beat myself up about it anymore. Like I did back in August of 2011, I need to just to it. Be disciplined. Somehow. And. Get. 'Er. Done. Be responsible. Be focused. Be the me that I want to be. And I can't wait 'til tomorrow. Or the next day.

I don't have Phylicia to make a contract with. So I am going to make one with myself. I'll come up with it and post it here on my blog.

Am I scared? Definitely. I'm scared that I will fail again. I'm scared that I am not strong enough. And maybe I'm not. But I will never know unless I try. Put myself out there. Lean on God to give me the strength. Pray that He instills in me a disciplined spirit. I pray that I can treat my body like a temple. Take it seriously. Because this is my life. My body. I am in control of me.

What's funny is this. My sister and my cousin begged me to drive them to Jack-in-the-Box and 7-11. So me being the amazing older sister/cousin that I am, I agreed. As I sat in the car, parked outside 7-11, watching YouTube videos as I waited for those girls to come out, I saw one of my old friends from high school. He came over to say hi and how I've been etc. Then he asked if I was still paddling and that he would be this summer. The girls got back into the car. We drove away. And on that drive home I thought, "I'M READY." I want I NEED to get back into shape. I would want to look the way I do now and paddle. Not with this belly back in action. Not that I'm necessarily going to paddle or anything, but it's the mere idea that's changed me. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know if I will succeed. But I promise you that I am going to try. I am going to try with all of me. And as I sit here, typing this incredibly long blog post, listening to The Piano Guys, I feel determined. More determined than I have been in a long time. And that feels good. It feels great. I don't want this to be a fleeting feeling. So each day I will remind myself.

So I've been reading a lot of books recently. One of them is called Food, Fitness, and Faith for women that is about how God has a plan for me and for every aspect of my life, including (but not limited to) my food, fitness, and faith. I am doing this as part of a group. It's an easy read. Simple. To the point. Scriptures. Quotes. You should check it out if you feel like you need a little extra boost. As amazing as this little book is, I feel like I have just been reading, but not really following it. Not really living it. Which is not going to help. Obviously. Can you see why I struggle. Even the best sound advice won't help if you're not in a place to receive and follow through.

But I've also been reading quite a few Young Adult Novels I borrowed from the library. It's funny how when there's a topic on your mind, everything jumps out at you as related to your thoughts. For example, this one book I read was called The One That I Want. A typical tale. Girl sees boy. Boy sees girl. Girl likes boy but thinks boy likes another girl. Boy likes girl but thinks girl likes another boy. A little drama, but they end up together happily ever after. But this one had a little twist. Girl used to be 50 pounds heavier. Now she's hot, and finally meets this guy. Her insecurities get in the way. Even though he obviously likes her for her. Okay, the point is, there were good points in there. #1: On page 81, she's asked how she lost all the weight. She mentions how it was explained to her in mathematical terms. If you take in more calories than you burn, you'll gain weight. If you take in less, you'll lose weight. So she got on the internet, figured out how many calories she was burning a day and then added up what she was eating. - You see. So simple. Math. I like it. Just gotta do it. Like Weight Watchers points. #2: On page 82, she mentions another thing she was told to ask herself, "Am I hungry? Or do I just want something to eat?" - Great questions!! I LOVED that. My new thing to ask myself. Check. #3: Also on page 82, she mentions that she hasn't gone on a weird diet. She just eats less. "And no cobbler, ever." - You can eat. Just don't over eat. And sometimes you need to know your danger zones (ie, cobbler) and JUST DON'T GO THERE. #4: On page 83, she exercises too. - So if you limit what you eat AND exercise, well, you are good to go. So yeah. I loved the boy and the girl together (obviously,) but I took away far more that the cute little love story. I took away obvious tips and reminders to living a healthier lifestyle, and to lose the weight.

Another YA novel I recently read, entitled Revenge of the Girl with the Great Personality. I know right. Saying a girl has a "great personality" can sometimes kill. Haha. I love it. So her little sister a beauty pageant girl (like Toddlers in Tiaras,) and she's in this world, surrounded by people beautifying every little thing, and judging, and she doesn't feel beautiful. Then one day she puts on make-up, wears nicer, well-fitting clothes, and now guys are suddenly into her. But even before this, you can see how, even though she has a great body, she watches what she eats, watches her calorie intake, doesn't indulge. In fear of becoming like her overweight mother. The book doesn't delve into weight loss and such topics. But I like what she realizes in the end. how she says, "I'd rather be single and myself than try to fit into a mold of a person that I'm not for a guy", "...the only way for me to be truly happy is to be myself..." and how she's glad she went through what she went through because it made her a stronger person, and made her realize what's important. I like how she ends by declaring "I, Lexi Anderson, am proud to say that I do, indeed, have a great personality. And it's only a matter of time before the Beautiful People will be wishing they had great personalities too." I like that. Being happy with who you are. Who you want to be. Not being who others want you to be. And I want to be healthy and fit for me. For myself. To feel good about myself. This isn't about others anymore. Though for most of my life, it was (but that's a whole 'nother story.) So I decide. I want this. For me.

Thirdly and lastly, I recently read a YA novel, called Burn for Burn. The first book in a trilogy btw. And one of the girl's backstory is this. She was a fat kid. One day a new boy came to her school. Teased her. Everyone followed suit. She was bullied so bad. But when they were alone, they were like secret friends. Then one day it all came tumbling down. He pushed her. Hard. She fell. Hard. Into the water. She went home and. Oh, I totally don't want to get into all the heavy stuff. But after that, she moves away. Loses the weight. Looks good. Moves back. He's in trouble. I'm not going to go into detail about this book. I just thought it interesting how all these books relate to the crazy thoughts going on in my head pertaining to weight loss, body image, etc. So I just thought I'd share. Throw it out there.

2 Timothy 1:7 NIV

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline."

I'm excited! I'm ready! Wow, that was a lot of words. Here's something fun. No words. It's my current favorite from The Piano Guys. What Makes You Beautiful. :)

You are beautiful!

I love you!

Have a splendid day!

Smiles and hugs from me to you!