Fathers: Day 47

Happy Uno de Mayo! Haha.

Okay. So the other night I has a crazy dream. Very weird because I haven't had any dreams in quite as while. Which is weird because I am a dreamer. I usually have dreams every night. Vivid dreams that I fully remember when I wake up. But for some reason, I haven't had any lately. Until the other night that is. It took place on Halloween and there were horror/thriller-movie-like things happening, that I saw but wasn't necessarily apart of. It was at a parade. I saw it happen. It being the horror, whatever it was (I forget exactly what it was now.) And I ran away scared. He came running after me, and put his arm around me to see if I was okay. To check on me. Because he had seen me. Because he cared. I hugged him, my fear dissipating. I don't remember everything or anything else other than the feeling that someone was there for me. Someone cared. And you know, sometimes that's all you need. Someone who will be there for you. Who knows how to make you feel better when you're down. Someone to hold you. Safe. Love.

As you may or may not know, my parents are getting a divorce. Part of the process involves making sure the children will be alright (or as alright as they can be.) Tonight my mom, dad, and two younger sisters went to some thing called Kids First where they watched a video ? talked ? or something like that. My people here are sleeping as I type away. I was at church tonight and just got home as I began this post. So because of their sleeping state, I do not know the details of what went down. Hence the scattered question marks. I don't know how I feel about not being there. One one hand, I sooo did not want to go. It didn't sound fun to me. And I wasn't asked to attend. On the other hand, I wonder if it would have benefitted me or my family if I had gone. Who knows? Not me. I don't even know what happened. And to tell you the truth, I haven't spoken to my dad in a while. Not since he hung up on me as I was crying my feelings to him about things he obviously did not want to hear. And I am not sure if I am ready to talk to him. Or see him. idon'tknowidon'tknowidon'tknow. But whatever the case I wasn't there. Crazily enough, tonight's topic for Women's Midweek (church,) was on Roles. We watched a video from the 33 Series. Which is a journey to authentic manhood as modeled by Jesus in His 33 years on earth. I'll put a trailer down below so you can see what the series is about. The men in our church have been studying it out, so tonight we got to see a little bit of it through a video. I would put that video here, but I can't find it on the internet. Bummer. It was really good. It talked about the different things throughout history, that has shaped men of today. After watching it, we went on to talk a little bit about fatherlessness. Brief points were shared from the book Faltherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem by David Blankenhorn. "The most important absence our society must confront is not the absence of fathers, but the absence of our belief in fathers." That hit me right there. It made me think how powerful hurt can be. How hurt can cause the hardening of hearts. How we can put up a wall. Block ourselves in. Safe. You can't touch me. So you can't hurt me. And believing that it's okay, that I'm okay. When I may not be. Absence of the belief in fathers. That they don't matter. When they completely do. A good father, who is there to teach his children, who is there for his children, is so important. And the absence of him (or the un-goodness of him) can be detrimental to a child, that may cause problems unforeseen down the road. That's why I have such strong feelings on the importance of a God-loving man for a husband. Love God. Love me. Love our kids. And act accordingly. I want that. I do. I know how important a good father is for his children. And I sincerely want that for my children. It's one of my dreams. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my dad. I do. Even through all of the bad stuff. It just gets hard sometimes. Life, you know. But I will always love him. He's my dad. And even though I haven't spoken to him in a while, I still have the desire to strengthen my relationship with him. Someday.

Well that's all that I have for now. I could go on and on. I have a raging wave of thoughts on many matters, rushing around in my head right now, but I am going to stop. But I'll be back soon. Tomorrow.  But tonight, I need me some sleep. Too many thoughts often hurts my head. Goodnight!

Food Intake

Lucky Charms and Milk

Cheese and Crackers

Water

Oranges

Chicken and Rice

Pizza

Water

Panda Express Plate

Mini Nutter Butters

Exercise

None

Veggies! There Miss Gayle, I ate my veggies. :)